Ever wish
by Myojo-s-me
Summary: KaienxByakuya, but rather hinted. Pairingchallenge.
1. Chapter 1

Winter Fear (Challenge)

Time: 1:10

Fandom: Bleach

Pairing: Kaien x Byakuya

Sentence: "It was the last expression of the despondency of a broken spirit."

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, nor the world they are living in.

He left the dormitory early in the morning, when the sun had barely begun to send its shining fingers of light trough the atmosphere, painting the clouds with the colors of blood and milk. No bird was singing, and the silence muffed his ears like a warm scarf laid around it's head. Now, he should have done that actually, for it was midwinter, and the cold of this day was spiking his skin as if it was little needles. But he wouldn't care, nor even notice that. Why, why of all of the students in his year? Why him?

He didn't want to know, didn't even want to wonder. But he couldn't stop thinking about it. Why wouldn't they let him graduate? Most of the other students had already gotten their assignments to one of the squads, but he wouldn't for sure. By no chance he would. His grades just wouldn't qualify him to become part of the 13 Squads.

It wasn't just that it made him sad. It made him angry as well. He had made much more effort than many others, had often been training until midnight, when everyone slept; he had tried so goddamn hard ! It was so unfair...

Turning his head towards the skies, he let the silently falling snow fall to his face, where it melted and ran down his cheeks. Not even sensing the cold water, the black haired man threw himself into the snow and closed his eyes. He would never make it... Never... So there was no point about anything anymore... He had no friends besides the people that were graduating and becoming shinigami now. Nothing important, nothing he wanted to achieve than to be shinigami one day. But that dream was too big... He just wasn't good enough...

Gradually, he lost any feeling of his body, his head getting lighter every second. He lost to the cold... and he didn't care at all...

Warm arms embraced him, and he got the feeling of being carried. But then, everything went black.

When he woke up, it was all dark. But it also felt warm... Opening his eyes, he realized to be in a quite dark room, some light coming from a small candle near to him. And the fact, that he wasn't alone. A young man of about his age sat there, looking at him. He had long, black hair, and somewhere the short haired had seen him before... But in the shady room, he couldn't see the face. It was more a... feeling of familiarness...

"Who... are you?" His voice was more a fluster, hard to understand or even to hear.

At first, it seemed that the sitting guy hadn't heard him, but than he lowered his hand and took up the candle, bringing it nearer to the lying mens face. "That would be rather my line than yours... What was you doing out there in my families grounds?"

"Your families...?" Where the hell was he? This place.. A family? That could only mean... a noble family... Oh damn, no. "I... I'm sorry..." He bit his lip. "My name is Shiba Kaien.. I'm sorry to have entered your properties.. I didn't know..."

"You don't have to... " The voice sounded cold, but not as much as before. "I appreciate you being here."

"Wh- why?!" He tried to rise and fell back in a shudder. His body was still weak like a freshly born child.

The noble boy didn't respond for a long time, than, he reluctantly did. "Because... I finally could ask your name now..." Pause. Kaien didn't dare to breath. What was with that guy? Why did a noble families son know him? "But, more important... why did you lie out there? Did you want to die?"

So Kaien told him. That they wouldn't let him get fulfilled his dream. That he wasn't that bad, but because they all had looked at him that strangely because he was from the Rukongais Shiba clan, hadn't been able to concentrate in the entrance exams.

"Shiba?" The voice sounded startled.

"Yes? Is there something about my family?"

"..." The man besides him raised, but Kaien grabbed his Kimono.

"Please... don't leave me now..." His voice was still dulled by the weakness of his body, but there was a tone in it the man couldn't ignore.

"Why?"

"Because... I don't want to be alone..."

"Why?"

He didn't know a explanation. Because he was scared? Maybe... But, more than this, he did want the other to stay...

"So be it." For some moments, he thought the other would leave. But then, he seat down again. And stayed, the whole night, at least as far Kaien was awake and knew...

They hadn't met again. Neither the next day, nor later on. But some days later, the Shiba boy had gotten his assignment.

He had wanted to meet the boy again. But he couldn't find him anymore, and not knowing his name, he couldn't even ask someone, so he ended up believing, that he wouldn't find him ever again... Until some day in early spring, when there were a ceremony at the Seireitei, because the sixth squad got a new captain – the famous young head of the even more famous Kuchiki clan.


	2. Chapter 2

"You will refuse."

He stared at his sister, his joy crumbling, his expression changing from excitement to irritation.

"Why?!"

"Because I won't allow for any Shiba to be in this prissy bastards squad." Her tone was concluding; she didn't want to talk about this issue anymore. And it would have been wise to stop talking about it then.

But Kaien wasn't in the mood to give in. Not this time. Not when his sister just hindered not only his career, but also the mere possibility to get closer to the certain black haired noble boy his sister had just called by a name that had made him twitch. He knew that his chances to become friends with Byakuya were nearly non existent; over the last months and years, he had been trying to get as much information as possible concerning the older shinigami, and it seemed that about no one liked the man. Neither did the man himself.

"I will." His tone copied hers, stating a fact rather than a wish.

She gasped, her eyes narrowing. This came unexpected; opposition was something she nearly never experienced, and she hadn't even once heard it from her brothers. It irritated her.

"You wont."

"I will! I wont reject this offer just because you aren't pleased with Ku- the taichou of this squad! I would be a ranked officer there! Why are you trying so desperately to crush all my chances to get a promotion?!" He definitely couldn't mention that he had been especially happy that it was the 5th division. Not in front of his sister, not to any other person he knew. They wouldn't understand anyway.

"You won't." Kuukaku had recovered from her puzzlement.

"I will!!!!"

Smack. His sisters fist had met his face straight on, causing him to reel back some steps. "You won't! Understood?!"

Outch. He had bitten his tongue, the metallic taste of blood filled his mouth. But he kept staring her in the eyes recalcitrantly. He would have never considered fighting with his choleric sister. It was inevitable to get hurt in an argument if one did. But this was worth it. Most likely, he didn't stand any chance, but he at least had to try.

Angered himself now, he shook his head.

When his sister had left the room, he curled up into a fetal position, the head buried in his arms. He had given in in the end, knowing full well that Kuukaku wouldn't stop until he promised to refuse the promotion.

"Fuck... fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck..."

His cursing was rather a whisper. He would have loved to join the 6th squad... Had dreamed about being near the single person in his life that had ever given something to him without asking for anything in return. Being near him to, eventually, be able to repay the dept.

Hushed footsteps. A small hand touched his shoulder, pulled back when he winced from the pain the gentle touch sent trough his battered body.

"Kaien-nii?"

The older boy uncurled and sat up, ignoring the painfulness of his movements. Even smiling was hard, but he eventually managed.

"I'm fine. Don't worry."

Useless to say. Ganju was worried, and if he looked like he felt, the younger was perfectly right. He would have to go to the doctors.

"But..." Kaien sighed. Him and Kuukaku arguing was a rare sight. About as rare as snow falling in Africa. Their younger brother had never before witnessed it happening. Being shocked wasn't a reaction he shouldn't have expected. He pulled the child into his arms, pressing him cautiously to his chest.

After a while, Ganjus trembling faded away and warm, wet tears soaked the fabric between them. Still comforting his brother, the elderson had to think of himself again. Caring for others always made him forget his own sorrow. But now... Rather then refusing the promotion, which he would have to reason...

How the freezing hell was he supposed to explain his devastated condition to his senior?


	3. Chapter 3

Note: So there have changed many many things since I started to write this story.

We now know that Kaien is older than Bya, not the other way round; one of my dear readers informed me that he's also older than Kuukaku (which doesn't change anything, whatever XDDD Kuukaku still pawns!). We know that Kaien was to become Fukutaichou long before Byakuya even joined the Gotei 13.

And I know much more about the Shiba clan now than I did when I wrote the first chapter... I got that pairing in a speed challenge back that time and had to write about them within an hour°°° It was later that i started to inform myself better about their status XD

I won't rewrite the story though. Just notice, that I know what's going on and this is an alternate timeline.

* * *

He had slumped against the wall about an hour ago, but still didn't move. He just didn't want to. There was no use in moving anyway.

It wasn't that he didn't like his division. They were all kind and anything, and fun to be around for sure. (They did often tell him that it was ihim/i who was fun to be around, though.) But he had been so very happy to be promoted to a rank in the 6th squad... To be able to get nearer to this person he had spent so many thoughts on lately. But now, his sister had taken that from him. Had, simply, refused.

And what was he to do against it? Nothing... there just was nothing he could do. It was _Kuukaku_, after all. He would rather have opposed Yamamoto-soutaichou than her...

But so he had.

The outcome had been, as estimated, zero. He had tried and lost. No use to cry over split milk.

But so he did.

„What is it?"

He winced at the sudden sound. He hadn't heard anyone approaching, so who the hell-

Long black hair framed the man's even, beautiful face.

„Kuchiki-taichou?"

The older didn't answer but continued to stare at him, and Kaien stood up hastily, trying to wipe the dust off his clothes hastily. What was he supposed to do now? At the one hand was this the very person he had wanted to talk to for so long now... At the other hand, this was the worst time possible to do so. He just hoped the captain would accept his refusal to join his squad without commenting on it... It would be much harder to bear. He just hoped, he wouldn't have to explain.

He had to say anything... And he couldn't really, so he said the first thing that came to his mind.

„What are you doing here?" After all, this was the 13th division... there were little places in Sereitei farther away from the black haired shinigamis own division than this.

The, as Kaien suddenly realized, shorter man took himself some moments to answer. „I came to talk to Ukitake-taichou. About your promotion."

The younger cringed at that and bit his lower lip. „I'm sorry, but you won't have to."

„Why not?" Byakuya sounded slightly irritated and confused.

„Sadly, I will have to turn it down."

They stared at each other for some endless seconds. Such deep, dark eyes... One could fall into them and never ever hit the ground. One could lose himself in them and never regret it... One could die to see them once more...

It was Byakuya who broke the stare in the end. „Why?"

Kaien answered reluctantly. All of the reasons were personal, or rather, lay within his family. He was not to talk about it in public, nor wanted he to. „It's just that I... Can't." This time, he couldn't bear the others stare and bowed to escape it. „I'm sorry."

Ages seemed to pass, then the Shiba heard Byakuya move on. He waited until the sound of the captains footsteps had vanished before he dared to raise.

His fists clenched into the fabric of his hakama. A feeling of total defeat came with the strong urge to shout and throw things at ... something... and the knowledge that it wouldn't have made things better at least, and he could do nothing but stand and try to hold himself from crying.

/lj-cut


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